Zonderii - The epic finale from the Troll Hart Piano album, 7 Hart Beats - Released to YouTube!
- silenttemple5
- Jun 11
- 4 min read
Greetings friends! This week my message is singlefold ~ I have just released an epic new symphonic metal track, "Zonderii"! I would love it if you listened to it!
Un-spell the world
Through an act of conjury
Let us from The Word be free
Siiokraal fanthuus
On the October dark moon of last year, my spellbook read as follows:
-Ends/removals/fadings: -Beginnings/sproutings/appearances
Troll Year 2 - Troll Year 3
Substance use - Brighit
Bar maid - Teacher
Shrouded in mist - Present and stand-out!
My name had been Troll for 2 years at this point, year 3 coming on. A huge amount of the previous conception I had of myself had been washed away with the old name. However 2 years is still a very short time to understand who and what one truly is!
Being cut off from my true gender for my entire childhood and adult life up until age 27 had me achingly miserable. Every time I see an old picture of myself, I almost cry or actually cry, because I can see the pain, the sorrow, and the isolation carved so deeply and plainly upon her face. Those first 2 years of knowing my womanhood had been euphoria. I took no medication and pursued no surgery, for purely the knowledge that I was the goddess and could relate to myself and express myself as such, was a far greater happiness than I had ever known.
Even so, substance use/abuse is of course a habit that is not lifted lightly. Drinking alcohol had become my primary method of avoiding the howling rage of a caged animal, and the suicidal ideation that lay behind it. In April of last year, I quit alcohol cold turkey. Inner crisis ensued, however I still allowed myself my secondary addiction of smoking weed. At the time of the above spellbook entry, I had quit weed as well. For the first time since age 19, I was actually sober. The Goddess helping me out through this, my spiritual benefactor of the Faery Faith, was and still is Brighit. Goddess of the hearth. Goddess of poetry, prophecy, and inspiration. Goddess of smithwork, healing, and diplomacy.
As a musician, I had grown accustomed to performing regularly at bars and accepting alcohol as a means of compensation. I'll still accept bar gigs at this point, but before, I had had this conception of myself that felt at home being drunk amongst the crowd of other drunks hiding from the world and themselves in the revelry of the bar. So rather than depending on bar gigs for income, I decided to face my uncomfortability at teaching and start publicly accepting students.
I was a true believer of Christianity until age 15. I very quickly rejected and rebelled after realizing I was fooled and led astray. However, a few sayings from that tired old tome have stayed with me. "You cannot serve both God and Mammon", was one I held on to amidst the genocidal capitalism that I sadly saw and felt unfolding much earlier than most of my peers. My house, town, and country built by slaves upon a mass grave, I was brokenhearted and knew hatred, my trust in my culture and basically everyone in it torn to shreds.
One reaction to this was an utter disgust for money and those pursuing it. I held deep convictions that happiness was to have no money; to live with empty, open palms, and with one's bare feet on the ground. The beggars were the highest of holy men, their rags and blankets the garments of angels. The moneyed man was a demon of the deepest darkest Hell, his suit and tie a collar and leash, held by the master of lies.
There is much truth in this viewpoint, however I came to realize, while my completely sincere habit of giving the largest dollar bill in my wallet to the beggars I pass by is not going away, the emotional attachment to being poor went deeper than my own ideals. It also went into my childhood and upbringing of simply being raised in a "lower-middle-class" family.
In knowing my womanhood, and developing a healthy relationship with my own empowerment, I came to accept that I can have wealth, I can move wealth and give wealth in a way that both achieves my goals and is aligned with my morals and values.
Unconsciously hidden from my true self for so long, I had integrated that shroud into my preferred aesthetic and style; far away on a distant mountain; saturated in the psychedelic swirl; shrouded in mist. For the sake of my artwork, my self, and my career, I decided to try to Stand Out from the mist. Get right up front, right in your face! This idea became the basic concept behind season 5 of Troll Hart Piano, which ultimately resulted in the album,
Thanks for reading, love. I hope my reflections have been helpful for you, or at least interesting! I hope you enjoy my new epic track, Zonderii, from 7 Hart Beats!
Peace, love, and majestic music,
~ Compassion ~
~ Trolli ~
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